I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like I literally can feel the tension in my brain that is on the verge of snapping. I'm 9 weeks post partum and though the doctor has not diagnosed me with PPD (post partum depression) I can't help but feel that I have it.
I'm a mother of 2. I have a 6 year old girl and a 9 week old (duh) boy. It's the family I always wanted to have. I should be ecstatic, happy and proud. Don't get me wrong, I am most of the time! Just sometimes I feel like I have virtually no control over my own life. And then of course I feel guilty for having negative thoughts about them.
Today, I ruined Christmas and I hate myself for it. I blew up at my entire family. The baby was crying and my husband was no help. The house was (and still is) a pig sty, I'm trying to clean it up all while the baby is screaming, the 6 year old is destroying her bedroom, the husband is watching a Christmas movie at top volume and I just go psycho on my husband! I pick up the baby and take him back to the bedroom to try and quiet him down. I lay down to feed him and even with my bedroom door closed I can still hear the loud noises in the living room. I lose it.... all of the sudden it's not me. I scream probably as loud as I physically could to "TURN THE FUCKING VOLUME DOWN!!!!" Next thing you know my daughter is crying and my husband is ready to walk out the door.
See I do sound crazy! So let's go back to when I lost my sanity. Around 3 weeks after the baby is born I wake up in the middle of the night with this sense of impending doom. I had a dream that I took the baby to school instead of my 6yo. It's really a hard sensation to describe but, I think those that have suffered from anxiety/panic attacks would understand. It's like having the knowledge that the most horrible thing you can imagine is happening and being powerless to stop it. My heart was racing, my stomach clenched...I just felt SICK. I tried to lay down and close my eyes but it would just bring that attack back on full force. I remember laying in bed being so frustrated at myself and the only thing I could do was scream. After an hour or so I was able to fall asleep. In the morning I felt silly no big deal...couldn't even remember the feeling. Big joke ha...ha....ha :)
I go about a week without incident. I feel fantastic!!! then I have another nightmare. This time I don't remember what it was but, I wake up and I'm just sure the baby is not breathing. I'm in full panic mode. Taking deep breaths but they're not helping. Once again an hour later and I'm back to sleep. This is when I call my sister who has a history of panic attacks and ask her how she deals with them. She tells me that she just focuses on how what I'm afraid of just isn't true or a possibility. It helps on Thanksgiving when I wake up with another one. I was able to talk myself down and go back to sleep fairly quickly. I can honestly say that since then I have not had a full on attack since.
My problem is, I keep having mini-attacks. I think these horrible things. Every time I'm driving in the car I get a mini one when I think "Maybe I didn't put him in the car, just left him at the store" If I walk past him while he's lying on the floor I'm afraid I'm going to step on him. I feel guilty bringimg him into such a horrible world, how could I be so selfish, I think that I love him too much and my daughter is going to be damaged because of it. I'm afraid I don't love her enough anymore. I feel like such a horrible mother/person/wife. I'm in constant panic mode. My chest is always tight, I'm always watching over my shoulder, checking to make sure I didn't accidentally kill the baby. I was told it's a form of OCD. These thoughts that I can't control.
I think they're ruining my life. With these mini-attacks the littlest things set me off. Like excessive noise that just brings on anger. I don't know how to handle anger that can be so consuming. I'm afraid of losing control over myself. That's the bottom line..I think I'm just feeling myself lose it and that's scaring me.
So...long story short. I started this blog to see if talking about it will help. Not that anyone will actually read this. I have no illusions of internet fame.
